Idolatry of Ministry: A Letter to Missionary Parents

What happens when good things like ministry become ultimate things? This heartfelt, pastoral call from someone who’s been there challenges missionary parents to reexamine how their calling has impacted their children—and what to do now to begin the work of restoration.

The Subtle Idol No One Warns You About

Dear Ministry Parents,

There’s something I need to say—something that might be hard to hear—but I believe you’re strong enough in Christ to receive it.

There is a subtle but devastating idolatry that can creep into ministry. And I’ve seen it firsthand—in my own life and in the lives of the missionary kids (MKs) who sit across from me in quiet moments, when they finally feel safe enough to speak.

“Many MKs have told me some version of this: ‘I always knew the ministry came before me.’”

Not because you said it—but because they felt it. In the way schedules were arranged, in how needs were prioritized, in what happened when they stumbled, or needed too much, or weren’t perfect. It’s embedded in statements shouted to the back seat as you pull into a church parking lot, “This is a major supporting church. Be on your best behavior.”

When the Mission Becomes More Important Than the Family

One young man sat in my office—his story is almost too heavy to bear. He had been sexually molested, and in his brokenness, he went on to harm another child on their team overseas. As a result, his family was sent back from the field. And in the middle of his shame, trauma, and mandated counseling, his father angrily said to him, “You’ve ruined my ministry.”

That idea is a fallacy—twice over. First, that it was “his” ministry. Second, that it was “ruined.” That’s not how the Kingdom works.

“God didn’t forget that you or I were going to have children when He called us to serve.”

The ministry is God’s—full stop. We are invited to participate, but it’s His work. And a child’s failure—however deep—cannot derail the plans of an Almighty God. That logic presumes God forgot when he called the parents that kids would be in the mix.

A Confession to the Children We’ve Hurt

With various groups of MKs I’ve spoken with, unpacking the pain they’ve experienced from their parent’s idolatry of ministry is one of the deepest. I’ve made it my practice during those sessions to speak aloud about darkness.

 “Your parents were wrong if they made you feel like ministry mattered more than you did. It’s idolatry. It’s a sin.” 

When I say it, the room gets still. And then it breaks.

With tears streaming down my face, I look at each one and say: “It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. And because you may never hear it from your parents, hear it through me: I’m sorry. Will you forgive us?”

One hulking teenage boy came to me, unsuccessfully fighting back tears, “My dad will never admit it,” he said. “He treats us slightly better than carry-on baggage. But hearing you say it helped me start to forgive him.”

My Wake-Up Moment

I don’t share these stories to condemn you. I share them because I am one of you.

I’ve spoken at international schools, led seminars, been invited into important rooms. I’ve felt the allure of praise—the intoxicating sense of purpose that comes from being “great at ministry.” I’ve written prayer updates celebrating ministry success, all while slowly starving my family of my presence.

One day, after yet another trip, I sat on the edge of my daughter’s bed and asked her what she thought about my many travels and late nights. I knew I’d been neglecting her—but I needed to hear the truth in her 5-year-old voice.

She shyly replied: “It’s okay, I like the things you bring me.”

“That’s when it hit me. She was saying what too many MKs have learned to believe: ‘Other people’s needs are more important than mine.'”

God Doesn’t Want Your Ministry—He Wants Your Heart

Dear parents, we cannot confuse being a disciple of Jesus with doing ministry.

In Genesis 22, God asked Abraham to lay down Isaac—not to prove his commitment to a task, but to test where his heart truly was: had the gift become more important than the Giver?

And Luke 14 doesn’t call us to literally hate our families. It calls us to love Christ so supremely that everything else is surrendered. Ironically, it’s in that surrender that we actually learn how to deeply love our spouses and children. It’s the context of a family who is focused on being a follower of Jesus, that He then invites us to proclaim the Good News. Ministry flows naturally from the context of a healthy family.

What You Can Do—Today

So here’s what I’m asking you to do:

Call your kids. Or sit down with them if they’re still home. Ask them, gently and honestly:
“To what degree do you feel like I prioritized ministry over you?”

Give them space. Don’t defend. Just listen.

Then—if they say yes—apologize. Tell them you were wrong. Look them in the eyes and say:
“I love you, and I’m sorry for the ways I let you feel like you came second. That was never what God intended.”

Ask them what you can do now. And then, by God’s grace, start doing it.

From the thousands of MKs I’ve worked with, I’d estimate nearly 90% at least hesitate when asked if their dad—or mom—loved them more than “the ministry.”

For those of you whose kids feel secure in your love: thank God. However invite them to keep you accountable. Keep checking in. Because the pull toward the idolatry of ministry is real, and it is strong.

Let’s Lay It Down

But there is hope.

You are not beyond grace. And it’s not too late. The God who called you to ministry also entrusted you with your children—and He is big enough to restore both.

Let’s break the cycle. Let’s lay down our ministry if it ever becomes our idol. And let’s pick up the cross of Jesus—the one that teaches us to serve the least of these, including the ones in our very own homes.

With grace and truth,
Bret Taylor

President, Interaction International
Creator the Adaptable TCK Model
Co-author of Setting the Standard: Standards of Excellence for Third Culture Kid Care 

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